When My Ugly Escapes

There is just something about the doctor's office that brings out the worst in me.

Like that time I practically bit off the receptionist's head at the OB/GYN's office when I was pregnant with Rhee.

Or when I sigh loudly and roll my eyes in the waiting area when my wait goes anywhere past 15 minutes of my appointment time.

Or how about today, when a lady with her four kids came in and 'sat' in the waiting room with us. And by sat I mean, kicked my kid's stroller, invaded my personal space, handed my kids trash, asked me a million inane questions and kept touching my phone where Rhee was playing a game. Hear me now, I DO NOT HAVE 4 children and cannot imagine the stress of going to the doctor's office with them all (I barely survived with 2) but a little help from her would have been nice. Let's just say I was super grateful when we got called back so my 6 month old could be tortured with needles and the like.

Being a mom is tough.

Minefields await at every turn!

Your kids are the worst behaved in public. Your kids say embarrassing things about you. Your kids make you apathetic towards poop, boogers and vomit. Your kids act a fool and make you want to lose your mind. Your kids make you act like pond scum, stuff you'd always said you would never do. (Can I get an amen?)

Grace.

It covers me and it covers that blessed mom of 4 at my appointment today. If children teach me anything, it will be that I have to walk in grace from God, myself, my hubs, my family and my friends (and random strangers too).

I do not have it all together and it's okay because grace covers my day if I let it. Do I sense a theme here?

"My grace is sufficient for you". -God

Even when you are your ugliest. Even when you have failed for the thousandth time.

Grace, it is even more than I know I need. It is enough.

Said No Mom Ever!

My Top 10 "Said No Mom Evers"

10. I find it useful for an entire day to pass with no clear tasks ever having been accomplished.

9. I really enjoy hearing 2 kids cry simultaneously.

8. That trip to the ER wasn't stressful at all!

7. I prefer my sleep schedule post-kids.

6. I enjoy my house becoming instantaneously dirty after I spend half a day cleaning it.

5. Never being truly finished with laundry inspires me.

4. My child misbehaving at a play date (or anywhere really) makes me feel like mom of the year.

3. I love it when my children's actions prohibit me from showering or brushing my teeth until 5pm.

2. I totally hate when my toddler says "I wud you mommy"

1. My life was so much better before having my two crazy angelic children.

SAID NO MOM EVER!

Confessions of a Half-Crazy Mama

Confession #1

I eat in the corner like a criminal so I don't have to share my food with Rhee.

I mean, the kid is like a human garbage disposal and will eat anything! As long as I am eating it of course. He will eat Larabars (he calls these chocolate, who am I to tell him differently?), lima beans and coffee, yes, even coffee.

Of the iced variety. I've been able to keep him away from regular coffee by telling him it's hot. He hates hot things. To the point of spitting out lukewarm food declaring it 'HOT!'

However, anything with a straw is fair game and he wants it.

Hence my criminal activity in the kitchen.

Confession #2:

I sometimes put my kids to bed so I can relax. (Read: watch TV)

Hangs head.....

Enough said.

Confession #3

I sometimes gag when changing my 2 year old's dirty diaper. Really? You don't want to potty-train? You want to sit in that filth? Be my guest little friend.

Confession #4

I am able to withstand a lot more than I ever thought possible.

Like have my abdomen sliced open (by some very competent doctors) twice to have these two angels. Like eating half-masticated food when my toddler decides he no longer 'wants' it. Like giving up dairy for Nick who has a lactose intolerance. And like not sleeping more than 3 hours in a row nights on end.

They are SO worth it.

Confession #5

I can't tell you what I do all day as a SAHM but I know I'm never still all day and sleep really hard at night. Between those Nick feedings of course. Sometimes I sleep through those feedings....(should that be a confession too???)

Confession #6

I really want to fulfill Rhee's dreams of being outside all day (or even just an hour) but I just don't have the energy for it. This kid can disappear in 2 seconds flat and although we live on a cul-de-sac, there is a very busy road near us and my mommy nightmare scenario brain doesn't allow me to relax outside with him.

With good reason, one time I couldn't find him while loading up the car and after frantically running around the perimeter of my yard twice, screaming his name like a maniac, I found him in the front seat of our van, grinning from ear to ear. Being a mother of boys should have it's own manual.

Confession #7

I find grocery shopping with 2 small children is on par with having all 10 of your fingernails slowly removed. I have grey hair and I'm pretty sure this is one the top 5 causes of it.

Confession #8

I am secretly delighted that these two monkeys give me such great material for blogging. I have found I really enjoy writing. Just don't be too interesting....let's keep this PG boys.

Confession #9

I have totally made tons of mistakes already with both boys. And that is okay. There is grace for me, for them and the good news is, it never runs out.

Confession #10

I love these two squirts more then I ever thought possible! They make my day better and worse all at once. :) They make our lives harder and easier at the same time. With each of their births I feel our family more complete. So thankful for my little monkeys. <3

These are my top confessions TODAY. I have had and will have so many more. Now, I would love to know what your mama confessions are.....please share so we can all laugh and agree!!! :)

Defeated

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a perfectionist. It's a plague on my house. 

Perfectionism is, at its root, a pride issue.

To look at myself and pridefully declare that I am not good enough. This is after God has told me that I am redeemed through Christ and He sees me as covered by Christ's sacrifice on the cross. No amount of striving for perfectionism is going to make me any better than He already sees me.

Mother's Day Sunday at church was quite a revelation to me. Pastor Daniel was talking about striving. One Scripture stood out to me:

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. (emphasis mine)

I don't have to rely on myself. I don't have to be perfect to be worthy in His eyes. So who exactly am I living for then? Others?

Just read a bit by Sarah Young in Jesus Calling stating that when we live for the approval of others, we place ourselves in bondage to them.

When I live in a place of striving for perfection and approval of others in my daily life, I set myself up for defeat. And to be truthful, I let defeat be more a part of my daily life than abundance than I would care to admit.

I want to live beyond the defeat perfectionism (striving) places in my life. What a trick the enemy plays on me. To whisper lies in my ear that I have to earn what is already mine.

So today I refuse to listen. I will instead listen to the One who loves me enough to give everything for me. A sinful and imperfect me. So that I don't have to strive, I have only to listen to His voice and hear what He has for my day and for my life.

To be free indeed. To live beyond the defeat of perfectionism.

Ugly Beautiful

Have you ever been in a season of life that just makes you tired; physically, emotionally, even spiritually? Okay, let's be real, this is life and we all have!

Our family is in a spot like this now. It's all 'high class problems' but draining just the same. I have always wanted to be a SAHM and when God put us in a position for us to be able to realize this dream last year, I was overjoyed. So overjoyed that we had another kid! :)

With all the quality time with your children, playdates, ability to have undivided (not split with work like I was before) attention for my kids and countless other blessings, there are other sacrifices. Because Jay's job is our only source of income, he has the added pressure of working really hard for our family. And I love him for it.

What it also means, with his job in particular, he often has to work really long hours. And when his staff changes as it has in the past few weeks, it means he is away from us working 60+ hours a week. Sometimes he can barely get in an hour with the boys before they are down to bed at nighttime. Or he has to work on our scheduled vacation or on weekends when we hadn't planned it.

I used to get mad. Even yelled and argued over work schedules (oh, juicy gossip, Leta yells at her hubs. As Pastor Daniel says, don't be so spiritual, you know you've done it too.)

Please hear me, I know we are super blessed to be in a position where I can be at home! I am so thankful! What I was unprepared for were the feelings I was having when faced with having 12 hr+ days sometimes 6 days a week with 2 kids under 2. I found myself having a hard time.

So when Jay finally had a Saturday off after a long time, I was grateful for the time. Until he stopped by his office and saw that people had not showed up to work. Rather than put the strain on his staff, he decided to go in for the rest of the hours to help them.

I ain't gonna lie, my immediate internal response was anger. Anger that his job responsibilities were calling him away from our family time again. Anger that it FEELS like his job is more important to him than us (which is exactly the opposite, I know he does it all for us).

But you know what? I am tired of being angry. With two small children, I just don't have the energy for it. So that day, I chose thankfulness. I chose the 'ugly beautiful'. Earlier this year, I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and she poetically talks about living in a state of gratitude. A state so specific that she was thanking God for things like soap bubbles and clean floors. She started by trying to list 1000 things she was thankful for, EVERYTHING. Any small (or big) thing she could be thankful for, she wrote it down. Then she began to see how God was in everything around her, even the chaos and the things that seemed horrible. And she was able to be thankful for them. Hence their name, 'ugly beautiful', because sometimes being thankful is hard. It requires being thankful for something that is ugly because it is in God's plan for your life. And since we know that He only has good plans for us (Jer. 29:11) and He works everything for our good (Rom. 8:28), we should live in a constant state of thankfulness regardless of our circumstances.

Whew, talk about easier said than done! I was skeptical.

But I started a list. I am currently on #143. And once I reach 1000, I hope to keep going because as she wrote in her book, it changed her state of mind and state of being. She was happier, even in the difficult times. And who doesn't want that?

Mine own first 'ugly beautiful' moment happened when Jay had to go to work that Saturday. I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry.

Instead, I took a big breath and started making a tally:

"I am thankful Jay has a job that supplies for our family "

"I am thankful that because of that, we are able to be generous to others in need"

"I am thankful for the chance to be at home with my boys"

"I am thankful for our home"

And the list went on. It was slow because my ugly was strong and the ugly situation was hard for me. But I slowly started to feel better. Because something about gratitude draws God closer to you. And it makes sense. When my children thank me, it fills my heart and overflows. Could it be the same with God? And as God draws closer to you, the enemy and all his tricks flee.

And you are left with a thankful heart.

I'm not saying it is easy, because it isn't. And I have a feeling that because of this 'ugly beautiful' moment and it's positive results, I will graduate to the next level and my next 'ugly beautiful' will be harder. Because that is how God works, he never leaves us in our state of disarray. He will keep chipping away at my character until He makes it what He wants it to be.

If this is true, then I want to live in this state of gratitude. It is a superior companion than the alternative. I'll probably fail a bunch but that is okay too. My circumstances haven't changed, Jay has still been working really long hours and life is crazy but there are just too many things for me to be thankful for to dwell in the self-pity. Choosing joy instead.

Frankly My Dear, I DO Give A Darn.

Too bad I'm not more like Rhett Butler (and yes, I know that is not the phrase he said completely but this is a kid friendly zone!). That guy didn't really care what anyone thought of him. Oh the freedom of that frame of mind!

I'm not sure where we pick it up. How the change starts or the first decision that leads us down this path. But it happens.

I care what people think about me.

Why? Why does it matter what so and so thinks about my clean (or lack thereof) house, my wardrobe (yes, most of which is yoga pants and vintage t-shirts at this stage in my life) or my child raising abilities. And those categories just hit the tip of the iceburg.

I am often jealous of my hubs, he really doesn't give much of a darn of what anyone thinks of him. When I've expressed words of frustration to him about my mommy-guilt, he never ceases to look at me incredulously and exclaim, "you think about stuff like that?"

In a word, yes.

When did the overpowering voice of the world (even other Christians, most of which are well-meaning) start shouting louder than the voice of God in my life? I have an overwhelming need to explain my short-comings (and perceived short-comings) to anyone who will listen (hence this blog!).

This all being true, one of the lessons I am learning is to say NO. This people pleaser hates this word and has a hard time saying it. I hate disappointing anyone.

However, I have learned in the best interest of my family, that saying no, even to things that are 'good' is okay. This is the phase in my life where I spend most of my time at home as a SAHM and that is ok. It doesn't make me a bad mom, wife, etc. So I am working on doing a few things well and one of them is raising my children (and keeping my sanity). In order to accomplish these few things, some things may have to fall by the wayside. This is just a season of life after all, it doesn't mean I can't do other things in the future.

I may not be Rhett but I can do a better job of showing myself grace when I sacrifice some good things in order to make better decisions for my family, all the while, learning to not give a darn about what people might think of that.

When You Feel Like Screaming

Let's face it, raising kids is probably the hardest job there is out there.

Especially at that magical age of 2 (and 3, and 4 and.....according to my fellow mamas).

Rhee is poised to turn two next week and I feel like this is his most dramatic age yet. Late night feedings have nothing on the drama of a two year deprived of.....anything. Meltdowns abound and half of the time I have no idea what started them and what I can do to 'fix' them. We have tried all manner of discipline to help mold our young little man.

The other day we had the fit to end all fits. Nothing would calm him. I felt like screaming! Especially at him. I wanted to respond in an unmotherly-like manner (and have, plenty of other times lest you think me holier-than-thou).

The blessing however, was that tiny man Nick was down for a nap and I was able to step back and take a calm approach to his fist beating scream-fest. I scooped him up and held him and just whispered that I loved him and sang to him. Almost immediately, he began to calm down and he just kind of sighed into me. This time, he just needed that reassurance that I loved him. It went of a time of extreme frustration for both us to to a time of love, giggles and cuddles, which if you know Rhee, he is a daddy's boy so it was balm for this mama's heart to connect with him on this level. Quiet and contentment, found in my love for my son.

As I have thought about this situation the past few days, God gave kept reminding me and putting this Scripture in front of me (in so many different ways!):

Zephaniah 3:17
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Sometimes I think God gives us children so He can show us just how much He loves us. I have always loved this verse but it took on whole new meaning when I was able to see it played out with my son in real life. How many times have I thrown a fit, beating my fists on the ground with God? And His delight is to take us up in His arms and love on us in our ugliness. Because His love (and grace) knows no bounds and He rejoices over me with singing.

So next time you feel like screaming, take a step back and realize that sometimes God is teaching you as you teach your children.

We Band of Mamas

Moms. There is just something about them.

This is not at all to discredit daddys or even stay at home daddys, that is another post for another day. Today, we talk about mommies.

I was at the pediatrician's office yesterday. As I sat (as much sitting as you do with an almost 2 year old that is) waiting for our appointment, out walked a couple with a very tiny newborn. As the mama passed me cuddling her little precious one, I smiled at her and we just knew: being a mom is the best thing in the world.

It doesn't matter where I go, with 2 small boys in tow, I meet other moms all the time in all kinds of places. Conversations start that wouldn't start otherwise when the topic is our children. It could be my worst enemy, but if you love on my kids or even just show an interest in them, my view of you will completely change and we will probably now be friends. :)

Too often we spend our time comparing ourselves to other mamas, we either tear ourselves down with what we see or we tear them down. Maybe some of both. How long before I realize and let it really sink in that God chose me to be the mama to these two boys. He is going to give me what I need to raise them and it will not look like what other mamas do/say/behave. And that's ok! In fact, it is more than ok, if God believes that I am good enough to be their mom then I have to stop comparing myself to other mamas to see how I measure up, I have to use the measuring stick of expectations He has given me for each of my boys.

The other half of the time (depending on the mama) we spend tearing down our sisters in mommyhood. They use disposable diapers, they use cloth diapers, they breastfeed, they formula feed, they homeschool, they send their kids to public/private school, they indulge their kids too much, they don't, they work outside the home, they are a SAHM and on and on it goes! It's ugly, it's ungracious and sadly, I have done it. We do it so we can feel superior and better about ourselves. We do it because we think we are right and they are wrong. We do it for a myriad of reasons.

My fellow mommies, this should just not be! The fact is, we have no idea the road God has called that mama and her child to walk. I think about my own mom, I was homeschooled through 6th grade. I'm sure she had people (especially the state government during that time, homeschooling was not popular at all and had many false stereotypes) that thought she was crazy or harming me or any other manner of criticism. Truth is, I was painfully shy and I believe if I had been forced into the school system too early, it may have harmed me. I'm so grateful that my mom went against the mainstream and kept me at home as long as she did.

I was reminded in a devotional today of some important Scripture today as I was thinking about this post.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

So next time you see a mama who may not do things exactly the way you do, remember to give grace and love them where they are and for what they are! One of my favorite mamas is Dana. She has been my sounding board on more than one occasion as I struggle with mommyhood. She ALWAYS responds to me in love and care and is the epitome of acceptance of me where I am. I admire her for her ability to love me in my ugliness and uncertainty and has the grace to encourage me.

My challenge to you to do is find a mama that may need encouragement and extend those words! May we band together as mamas and love and encourage each other in this tough path of raising our littles.

A Case of the Mondays

Please grant me some grace as you read this post.

Ever had a day that you wish you could fast-forward through or just banish all together? I think we all do. Unfortunately, I have them more often than I care to admit. Especially since I am living my dream of being a SAHM.

So ungrateful am I.

Today I have a case of the Mondays:

My oldest CANNOT. STOP. WHINING. I have no idea what is wrong with him other than he is almost 2.

My youngest pooped all over and ruined another outfit and part of my ottoman.

I am not yet dressed for today (reoccurring theme).

I have no desire at all to tackle my to do list, it usually energizes me, today just a drain on the already low supply that I have.

Making dinner sounds like I task I just don't want to do. Pretty sad when you consider my hubs works so hard during the day and that is what makes him feel really loved. (Don't worry, I'll do it, I just won't like it!)

As I stop to look over this list, there is no real complaint here. My life is excellent, health, jobs, 2 kids, cars in the driveway, roof over my head, food in my pantry.

Like it often is, it is a case of perspective. I am focusing on the discouraging rather than the blessings. Thankfulness leads to joy. Something I am sorely lacking today. The monotony of my daily life has come in and crushed my spirits. Another day of wiping poopy butts, listening to whining and trying to think up new and creative ways to feed a toddler a meal. This is what I always wanted right?

Sometimes you just need to step back, take a deep breath and realize that my house won't always be a mess, my boys will grow up and leave me and I will look back on this time in longing. I won't always be tired, I will get my revenge when they are teenagers. :)

Having a heart for thankfulness is a choice. Today it is a tough choice, but a choice it is. So I choose to be thankful for the kind words of my friend Emily today, who didn't even know I was having a bad day. Thankful for baby snuggles and toddler kisses. Thankful for a hubs who works so hard for us. Thankful for the sun, naptimes and Little Einsteins.

Don't give in to your case of the Mondays, fight for a heart of thankfulness and joy is surely to follow.

Grandma B

My Grandma B passed away this week. She had the best laugh. She smelled amazing and until the day I die, when I smell that unnamed scent, I will think of her. She was feisty and I loved that about her, hope that I got some of that too. She got to meet Rhee last summer and Nick too in my pregnant belly. I hope to tell them stories about their amazing great-grandma, her courage, strength and her ability to love all of us. She was very selfless. She raised 4 amazing children, one of which was my dad. She lost my Grandpa too early, he didn't get to meet any of us grandchildren, yet she had the courage to start over a new life in a new place. She loved music (especially big band), politics, and sports. I love remembering how she would fight over the bill at dinner and over her dessert, especially chocolate. We were blessed to have her as our Grandma. You are very much missed, and we love you.

Below is an amazing video my cousin Mark made, thankful we all have our memories of her.

Henry, My Resourceful Son

I'm not quite sure how to describe my oldest son Henry's (Rhee) personality. Sanguine to be sure but extremely meticulous also. It is so wonderful to see him grow up, learn and discover. He is a daddy's boy who cries hysterically any time daddy leaves. He loves to give kisses and charm people. He often plays shy and loves to play with other kiddos.

I feel like I'm going to really have to stay on my toes with this one though. I think I might have a bit of a trickster on my hands and he is so charming, I feel like he is going to get into some scrapes.

I have several examples that have arisen in the past several days that attest to this.

This week we made an unscheduled visit to our pediatrician. For Nick. We ended up with two prescriptions for Rhee. Don't ask. On the way out the door, in my frazzled state (normal state when I'm out in public with my 2 under 2), I ran back to the exam room, meanwhile Rhee grabs a sucker from a counter he is barely able to reach. I'm not even sure how he knew it was there. Maybe kids have a radar for candy, who knows?

I let him keep it thinking I would open it for him later and letting him hold it would deter the dreaded public meltdown. We made our way across the street in the car to our chiropractor's office, and in that duration, I begin to hear crunching come from the backseat. Rhee had circumvented the wrapper by chewing through it and when I parked, I looked back and him, defiant and satisfied. I felt those eyes telling me that he was smarter than mama and that he is going to give me a run for my money in this lifetime.

Also this week, I learned an important lesson. When all is quiet, all is not fine. We live in a two story home and all of our bedrooms are upstairs. We have begun a new independence (for both mama and Rhee) in letting him meander through out the house. He has full access to the downstairs and now his room upstairs also (all other doors upstairs closed, but that is a different lesson for a different day). He can freely move between floors and the toys therein. I do have a monitor on so I can keep an ear on him.

Sometimes the length of time in which I have heard a peep from him goes unnoticed. Then I start and realize, that more than likely, we have a problem with the lack of sound. This week, I ran upstairs, wondering what he was into and I wished I had a camera with me.

The scene that greeted me was my little resourceful almost 2 year old was the lowest level drawer of his dresser opened, him standing in it to reach the books on top of it. It's a wonder it did not break. I was equally proud and disturbed.

Proud that he is a thinker and smart, disturbed that he is a thinker and smart, how will I ever stay ahead of him?

Thankfully, raising children isn't a sprint, it is a marathon. I have time to work on molding him and it will be an adventure.

Love the quote I read yesterday, words to live by and I will leave you with them today as we both go out and raise our little Houdinis.

You have the exact qualities God knew your kids would need in a mother. So, each day, hold up your willingness and ask God to make you the best version of you that you can possibly be. ~ Lysa TerKuerst

Organized Chaos

I really hate these words.

Okay, I love the word organize and all its derivatives, but chaos? Not so much. It goes against everything I am trying to accomplish.

I remember when I had just had Rhee and thought, hey this is not so bad! I can do this mom thing. Then he started to grow up and make all kinds of messes. Then we added Nick to the mess. Words cannot express what the simultaneous crying of two little sons will do to this mama who loves order. Sometimes it is so overwhelming I have a hard time trying to decide how to solve the equation.

I do things now that I never thought I would do. For instance, Rhee is getting his 2 year molars so things are kinda out of sequence in our home. He is not sleeping and is really cranky. My to do list gets put to the wayside. I am still in my pjs this afternoon and they have spaghetti sauce on them (from lunch that we did not eat at the table or in a highchair), my shirt has some milk on it (from the bottle he is no longer supposed to have but I can't stand the crying fits to take it away) and I really want to shower and brush my teeth.

I can see the path to ultimate organization but getting there is a different story. Good thing is, everything still gets done, it's just definitely not in my time frame. I sense a lesson I am here to learn from my kiddos, to sit back and enjoy them!

Chaos grinds against every fiber of who I am. However, I realize as a mom, if I try to control everything all the time, not only am I going to be fiercely unhappy but my kids will grow up in an environment where they are not free to make mistakes.

Relaxing in the organized chaos is one of the toughest things for me to do as a mama but it will be well worth it in the future when my kids look back at our memories instead of me always cleaning and organizing. Hopefully some of my organizational skills will rub off on them too! Everything in moderation!

If Lollypop Haircuts Are Bad, I Don't Want To Be Good!

I am not above bribing my kids into good behavior.

Last week I went grocery shopping for the first time with 2 kids and Rhee is notoriously bad in a grocery cart. I gave him M&Ms (or as he calls it, 'chi-cha' for chocolate). It explains why this girl who doesn't like chocolate craved chocolate every day I was pregnant with him.

Today I bribed Rhee into good behavior at his haircut with a lollypop. Most successful bribe ever!

 Truth is, as a mom, I feel guilty more often than not.

I feel mommy guilt when:

1. My 2 year old (almost) won't go to bed without a bottle and apparently I'm ruining the shape of his mouth....

2. That I don't use cloth diapers on my kids

3. That I let them eat sugar, my kid likes coffee and soda

4. Not having a bigger, better house for them

5. Letting them stay up too late, etc.

And countless other things that pass through my head on a daily basis. All things I tell myself I don't measure up to other moms or even to what my kids need. I have never felt more guilty than the day I dropped my newborn. It happened Tuesday at a playdate.

I was in a rush and careless and I accidentally dropped him. I felt the crushing guilt immediately. Of course I called myself all kinds of names and my mind accused me of many things, including thoughts of CPS whisking my children away from me.

The good news is, after a trip to the ER, he checked out 100% ok! The bad news, severe mommy guilt as I replayed watching him fall at my hand over and over again in my head. My hubs and my friends were wonderful and offered lots of perspectives on why I can't feel guilty over an accident.

But it wasn't until I read the following that I began to feel better:

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matt.5:8).

This word "pure" is from the Greek word katharos. It is used 22 times in the New Testament. It carries three separate but cohesive meanings, all under the definition of "clean". I can hear Jesus urging, begging us to be free.

Katharos: clean ethically; free from corrupt desire, from sin, from guilt.

Did you catch that last part? "Clean from guilt." Is it possible to be cleansed from sin but still carry its guilt? Does a baby immediately poop in a clean diaper? Of course it's possible, and it happens all the time. Have you ever asked God to forgive something that He has already forgiven? You know you have. That's guilt talking, girls. Since the enemy can't deny us forgiveness from a holy God, he'll try to deny us its freedom. Through guilt, he presses us down with his lies.

Taken from Jen Hatmaker's Out of the Spin Cycle

(Excellent mommy devotional, buy it!)

So I choose to believe that even after something as bad as dropping my child, I had to let go of the guilt. That night after all the drama subsided, I looked at Nick and asked him if he would forgive me for dropping him. Since he is 2 months old, my hubs responded with, "Leta, the only person in this house who hasn't forgiven you, is yourself".

Boom.

Mind blown.

Yes. Forgiving myself for this and every other mommy neglect, real and imagined is the most difficult thing but so necessary to be a good mommy.

I will never be perfect but I am a good, loving mommy, lollypop haircuts and all!

Good Moms Don't Pass Out

I hold my breath so many times as a mom, it's a wonder I don't pass out.

I hold my breath

*to see if my oldest will eat the food I make him for lunch or throw it all over my floor

*to see if my newborn will stay asleep when I lay him down for a nap or bedtime

*when I change my oldest's diaper (mostly because I don't want to vomit, anyone else want to potty train him?), waiting for him to kick me in a fit of rage (why would he want to stay in that nasty thing!!??)

* when I hear Rhee stirring at nap time and selfishly hope that he goes back to sleep

*when I go to the store and hope neither of my kids have a nuclear meltdown with a half full shopping cart

*at a playdate, hoping my kid doesn't smack the other kid over a toy possession dispute

*when all is silent and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing

Truth is, many days I hold my breath trying to survive. Trying to live up to a set of unrealistic expectations I have set for myself. I often feel like a failure when I don't live up to these random set of rules I have made for myself. At the root of this is fear (and pride).

The past month I have really been reevaluating my daily priorities. I recently read that we should not be raising good kids but rather, functional godly adults. Will my kids and I fail each day? Yes, that's human nature. Are we defined by the road we travel? I believe not but by the grace God bestows on us in our failures.

So it's time breathe and be thankful for each day. We are not promised more than that so don't waste it.

In the big picture it's ok that I had to turn down a lunch date with my hubs because it has been a rough morning and I haven't yet brushed my teeth. I'm gonna stop holding my breath at what MIGHT happen or not and just be thankful for each moment.

The Curse of the Meatloaf

I'm surprised I'm married, no really. They say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that were the case, I would be single at this very moment.

I am a pretty bad cook, if not for Pinterest, my family would probably starve or be eating PB sandwiches and chips every meal.

When Jay and I were dating, I wanted to cook for him like a good girlfriend. I couldn't make that much so I opted for my mom's meatloaf recipe. It was the one thing I could make. I carefully put all the ingredients together and popped it in the oven. At dinner time, we sat down over candlelight and full adult conversation (doesn't happen at this stage of life!) ready to eat.

I spit out the first bite I took.

Apparently if you accidentally substitute 2T of garlic powder for 2T of onion powder (Jay and I both hate onions), your meatloaf will taste appalling.

Jay still married me! Ha ha, joke's on him. Since then, every time I have made meatloaf I have messed it up, too much ketchup, too little ketchup, wrong parts oatmeal, too dry or wet, etc. You get the point. Bless his heart, he eats it every time (although this has more to do with the fact that he is super cheap and can't bear to waste anything), including the leftovers.

I think it is time to retire the recipe and let the curse die out. Maybe I'll try again in about 20 years.

Lucky for me I have a hubs who loves me anyway and puts up with my experimenting with new Pinterest recipes. Someday maybe I'll be a 'good' cook, until then we get to live in fear of what may come out of my oven or crockpot.

Nose Carrots, Dirty Diapers and Other Last Laughs

Your kids will always win.

Okay, mine will. I'm conceding defeat. Even if I raise them to be the boys I want them to be, they will still win.

Case in point. I foolishly made fun of Rhee for being able to trick him into eating healthy food today. Usually I can get him to eat whatever we are eating because he has a paranoia of being left out. Because I value some sane time in my day, usually let him watch Disney Junior while eating breakfast and lunch (we do eat dinner as a family at the dining room table so hopefully I haven't ruined him completely). This can either add to my sanity or completely wipe it out, it's a gamble I'm willing to take.  So back to the taunting of my son.

Today was a robust lunch of frozen pizza and sugar snap peas & carrots. I think a nearly two year old could completely subsist on pizza but am not willing to put in the research to support it. Because of this, the peas & carrots. I'm hoping it balances it out somehow. Directly after publicly laughing at him on Facebook for my trickery, I hear a maniacal laugh come from his highchair (which is facing away from me).

As I turn to look, he is stretching his neck to peer around the back of the chair to find me. I immediately notice there is something amiss with his face. One nostril is abnormally large. As I run in for a closer inspection, I realized he has stuffed a carrot up his nose. I am also assaulted by a horrible stench, he has pooped his pants while eating (read: mama is also trying to eat). Guess I'll be losing that baby weight faster than I anticipated.

Well played sir.

You win. You always do.

Zombie Showers

No, I'm not talking about flesh eating walking dead. I'm talking about mommies who just want some sleep and a shower that isn't interrupted by screaming or in my case, my oldest throwing books or picture frames in the shower with me. True story.

I can't be the only mom who gets up early (I hate mornings) so I can get a shower in before Rhee's 2pm nap every day. Some days it works and some days it doesn't. Sitting around dirty in my pjs until the afternoon is not how I pictured domestic life (let's not get into the fairy tale I thought it would be!) but it is my reality.

This is after being up multiple times in a night with a newborn who I think takes secret delight in waking me just to put his paci back in his mouth. I have often thought I heard gleeful laughing after he purposely spits it out for the 256th time in one night.

I digress.

All of this leads to the shower where I am frantically trying to shave my legs (yes, I shave my legs every day, I can't stand it otherwise. I may not do my hair or make up but darn it, my legs will be smooth!) with my eyes half shut from lack of sleep. There is no coherent thought going on at this point, it's just a sleepy race against the clock of two little boys waking up.

Sigh.

But then, God has been good to me this morning. I have showered and have a coffee in hand while blogging without being interrupted.

It's going to be a good day in mommyland.

I Suck at Blogging and Being a Perfect Mother

Not necessarily in that order.

Question is: what do I write about in this over-blogged (yes, I like to make up words) world?

Yes, I'm a perfectionist but this is not the only thing that defines me, it affects my life but it is not who I am. I am things like a daughter, a wife, a mother, a Christian. These things define me more than anything else. Does perfectionism play into any of these? You betcha.

I had my second son, Nicholas on 12/12/12 (best birth date ever!) and Henry (Rhee) is now 22 months. This by far has been the most challenging to me and wanting things just so. My two little boys who don't give a rip about order or how I would like things done.

Schedules out the window, floors always dirty, poop and spit up a regular part of my day, toys everywhere, sleep: not present.

I have talked to a lot of mommies lately to find out what is normal, to gain some kind of perspective. And you know what I've found? We only post the good milestones on Facebook. The wonderful nights of sleep (p.s. I don't believe these really exist, hey, I'm not calling anyone liar here, maybe just some wishful thinking going on), the poops on the potty, my child is reading at 2, etc. Does anyone else feel like they are failing at motherhood when they look at these in jealousy? Most days I'm just trying to survive by giving my boys anything that will keep them from crying at the same time.

I'm not saying you have to be all negative Nancy from now on, I love hearing about all the good things that go on in my friend's lives, especially with their kids. And I love counting both of our blessings. I just want to take some time to blog occasionally to expose my real day to day life with my boys as a SAHM in a positive and hopefully humorous way.

Like during the time it has taken me to write this, I have had to walk away from it approximately 234 times to get something for the boys and Rhee has thrown pizza sauce from the calzones I made for lunch into every possible crevice of his highchair.

Hopefully you can find some encouragement (me too) in knowing that you are not the only one going through the daily struggles (and joys!) of being a SAHM or a working mom juggling professional and home life. I do not claim to be a writer or always grammatically correct and I overuse parenthesis and exclamation points (deal with it!), just a mom trying to survive and even thrive in this environment.

More to come later when I am not trying to type with one hand while also nursing my infant. What are your biggest challenges as a mama?