A Case of the Mondays

Please grant me some grace as you read this post.

Ever had a day that you wish you could fast-forward through or just banish all together? I think we all do. Unfortunately, I have them more often than I care to admit. Especially since I am living my dream of being a SAHM.

So ungrateful am I.

Today I have a case of the Mondays:

My oldest CANNOT. STOP. WHINING. I have no idea what is wrong with him other than he is almost 2.

My youngest pooped all over and ruined another outfit and part of my ottoman.

I am not yet dressed for today (reoccurring theme).

I have no desire at all to tackle my to do list, it usually energizes me, today just a drain on the already low supply that I have.

Making dinner sounds like I task I just don't want to do. Pretty sad when you consider my hubs works so hard during the day and that is what makes him feel really loved. (Don't worry, I'll do it, I just won't like it!)

As I stop to look over this list, there is no real complaint here. My life is excellent, health, jobs, 2 kids, cars in the driveway, roof over my head, food in my pantry.

Like it often is, it is a case of perspective. I am focusing on the discouraging rather than the blessings. Thankfulness leads to joy. Something I am sorely lacking today. The monotony of my daily life has come in and crushed my spirits. Another day of wiping poopy butts, listening to whining and trying to think up new and creative ways to feed a toddler a meal. This is what I always wanted right?

Sometimes you just need to step back, take a deep breath and realize that my house won't always be a mess, my boys will grow up and leave me and I will look back on this time in longing. I won't always be tired, I will get my revenge when they are teenagers. :)

Having a heart for thankfulness is a choice. Today it is a tough choice, but a choice it is. So I choose to be thankful for the kind words of my friend Emily today, who didn't even know I was having a bad day. Thankful for baby snuggles and toddler kisses. Thankful for a hubs who works so hard for us. Thankful for the sun, naptimes and Little Einsteins.

Don't give in to your case of the Mondays, fight for a heart of thankfulness and joy is surely to follow.

Grandma B

My Grandma B passed away this week. She had the best laugh. She smelled amazing and until the day I die, when I smell that unnamed scent, I will think of her. She was feisty and I loved that about her, hope that I got some of that too. She got to meet Rhee last summer and Nick too in my pregnant belly. I hope to tell them stories about their amazing great-grandma, her courage, strength and her ability to love all of us. She was very selfless. She raised 4 amazing children, one of which was my dad. She lost my Grandpa too early, he didn't get to meet any of us grandchildren, yet she had the courage to start over a new life in a new place. She loved music (especially big band), politics, and sports. I love remembering how she would fight over the bill at dinner and over her dessert, especially chocolate. We were blessed to have her as our Grandma. You are very much missed, and we love you.

Below is an amazing video my cousin Mark made, thankful we all have our memories of her.

Henry, My Resourceful Son

I'm not quite sure how to describe my oldest son Henry's (Rhee) personality. Sanguine to be sure but extremely meticulous also. It is so wonderful to see him grow up, learn and discover. He is a daddy's boy who cries hysterically any time daddy leaves. He loves to give kisses and charm people. He often plays shy and loves to play with other kiddos.

I feel like I'm going to really have to stay on my toes with this one though. I think I might have a bit of a trickster on my hands and he is so charming, I feel like he is going to get into some scrapes.

I have several examples that have arisen in the past several days that attest to this.

This week we made an unscheduled visit to our pediatrician. For Nick. We ended up with two prescriptions for Rhee. Don't ask. On the way out the door, in my frazzled state (normal state when I'm out in public with my 2 under 2), I ran back to the exam room, meanwhile Rhee grabs a sucker from a counter he is barely able to reach. I'm not even sure how he knew it was there. Maybe kids have a radar for candy, who knows?

I let him keep it thinking I would open it for him later and letting him hold it would deter the dreaded public meltdown. We made our way across the street in the car to our chiropractor's office, and in that duration, I begin to hear crunching come from the backseat. Rhee had circumvented the wrapper by chewing through it and when I parked, I looked back and him, defiant and satisfied. I felt those eyes telling me that he was smarter than mama and that he is going to give me a run for my money in this lifetime.

Also this week, I learned an important lesson. When all is quiet, all is not fine. We live in a two story home and all of our bedrooms are upstairs. We have begun a new independence (for both mama and Rhee) in letting him meander through out the house. He has full access to the downstairs and now his room upstairs also (all other doors upstairs closed, but that is a different lesson for a different day). He can freely move between floors and the toys therein. I do have a monitor on so I can keep an ear on him.

Sometimes the length of time in which I have heard a peep from him goes unnoticed. Then I start and realize, that more than likely, we have a problem with the lack of sound. This week, I ran upstairs, wondering what he was into and I wished I had a camera with me.

The scene that greeted me was my little resourceful almost 2 year old was the lowest level drawer of his dresser opened, him standing in it to reach the books on top of it. It's a wonder it did not break. I was equally proud and disturbed.

Proud that he is a thinker and smart, disturbed that he is a thinker and smart, how will I ever stay ahead of him?

Thankfully, raising children isn't a sprint, it is a marathon. I have time to work on molding him and it will be an adventure.

Love the quote I read yesterday, words to live by and I will leave you with them today as we both go out and raise our little Houdinis.

You have the exact qualities God knew your kids would need in a mother. So, each day, hold up your willingness and ask God to make you the best version of you that you can possibly be. ~ Lysa TerKuerst

Organized Chaos

I really hate these words.

Okay, I love the word organize and all its derivatives, but chaos? Not so much. It goes against everything I am trying to accomplish.

I remember when I had just had Rhee and thought, hey this is not so bad! I can do this mom thing. Then he started to grow up and make all kinds of messes. Then we added Nick to the mess. Words cannot express what the simultaneous crying of two little sons will do to this mama who loves order. Sometimes it is so overwhelming I have a hard time trying to decide how to solve the equation.

I do things now that I never thought I would do. For instance, Rhee is getting his 2 year molars so things are kinda out of sequence in our home. He is not sleeping and is really cranky. My to do list gets put to the wayside. I am still in my pjs this afternoon and they have spaghetti sauce on them (from lunch that we did not eat at the table or in a highchair), my shirt has some milk on it (from the bottle he is no longer supposed to have but I can't stand the crying fits to take it away) and I really want to shower and brush my teeth.

I can see the path to ultimate organization but getting there is a different story. Good thing is, everything still gets done, it's just definitely not in my time frame. I sense a lesson I am here to learn from my kiddos, to sit back and enjoy them!

Chaos grinds against every fiber of who I am. However, I realize as a mom, if I try to control everything all the time, not only am I going to be fiercely unhappy but my kids will grow up in an environment where they are not free to make mistakes.

Relaxing in the organized chaos is one of the toughest things for me to do as a mama but it will be well worth it in the future when my kids look back at our memories instead of me always cleaning and organizing. Hopefully some of my organizational skills will rub off on them too! Everything in moderation!

If Lollypop Haircuts Are Bad, I Don't Want To Be Good!

I am not above bribing my kids into good behavior.

Last week I went grocery shopping for the first time with 2 kids and Rhee is notoriously bad in a grocery cart. I gave him M&Ms (or as he calls it, 'chi-cha' for chocolate). It explains why this girl who doesn't like chocolate craved chocolate every day I was pregnant with him.

Today I bribed Rhee into good behavior at his haircut with a lollypop. Most successful bribe ever!

 Truth is, as a mom, I feel guilty more often than not.

I feel mommy guilt when:

1. My 2 year old (almost) won't go to bed without a bottle and apparently I'm ruining the shape of his mouth....

2. That I don't use cloth diapers on my kids

3. That I let them eat sugar, my kid likes coffee and soda

4. Not having a bigger, better house for them

5. Letting them stay up too late, etc.

And countless other things that pass through my head on a daily basis. All things I tell myself I don't measure up to other moms or even to what my kids need. I have never felt more guilty than the day I dropped my newborn. It happened Tuesday at a playdate.

I was in a rush and careless and I accidentally dropped him. I felt the crushing guilt immediately. Of course I called myself all kinds of names and my mind accused me of many things, including thoughts of CPS whisking my children away from me.

The good news is, after a trip to the ER, he checked out 100% ok! The bad news, severe mommy guilt as I replayed watching him fall at my hand over and over again in my head. My hubs and my friends were wonderful and offered lots of perspectives on why I can't feel guilty over an accident.

But it wasn't until I read the following that I began to feel better:

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matt.5:8).

This word "pure" is from the Greek word katharos. It is used 22 times in the New Testament. It carries three separate but cohesive meanings, all under the definition of "clean". I can hear Jesus urging, begging us to be free.

Katharos: clean ethically; free from corrupt desire, from sin, from guilt.

Did you catch that last part? "Clean from guilt." Is it possible to be cleansed from sin but still carry its guilt? Does a baby immediately poop in a clean diaper? Of course it's possible, and it happens all the time. Have you ever asked God to forgive something that He has already forgiven? You know you have. That's guilt talking, girls. Since the enemy can't deny us forgiveness from a holy God, he'll try to deny us its freedom. Through guilt, he presses us down with his lies.

Taken from Jen Hatmaker's Out of the Spin Cycle

(Excellent mommy devotional, buy it!)

So I choose to believe that even after something as bad as dropping my child, I had to let go of the guilt. That night after all the drama subsided, I looked at Nick and asked him if he would forgive me for dropping him. Since he is 2 months old, my hubs responded with, "Leta, the only person in this house who hasn't forgiven you, is yourself".

Boom.

Mind blown.

Yes. Forgiving myself for this and every other mommy neglect, real and imagined is the most difficult thing but so necessary to be a good mommy.

I will never be perfect but I am a good, loving mommy, lollypop haircuts and all!

Good Moms Don't Pass Out

I hold my breath so many times as a mom, it's a wonder I don't pass out.

I hold my breath

*to see if my oldest will eat the food I make him for lunch or throw it all over my floor

*to see if my newborn will stay asleep when I lay him down for a nap or bedtime

*when I change my oldest's diaper (mostly because I don't want to vomit, anyone else want to potty train him?), waiting for him to kick me in a fit of rage (why would he want to stay in that nasty thing!!??)

* when I hear Rhee stirring at nap time and selfishly hope that he goes back to sleep

*when I go to the store and hope neither of my kids have a nuclear meltdown with a half full shopping cart

*at a playdate, hoping my kid doesn't smack the other kid over a toy possession dispute

*when all is silent and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing

Truth is, many days I hold my breath trying to survive. Trying to live up to a set of unrealistic expectations I have set for myself. I often feel like a failure when I don't live up to these random set of rules I have made for myself. At the root of this is fear (and pride).

The past month I have really been reevaluating my daily priorities. I recently read that we should not be raising good kids but rather, functional godly adults. Will my kids and I fail each day? Yes, that's human nature. Are we defined by the road we travel? I believe not but by the grace God bestows on us in our failures.

So it's time breathe and be thankful for each day. We are not promised more than that so don't waste it.

In the big picture it's ok that I had to turn down a lunch date with my hubs because it has been a rough morning and I haven't yet brushed my teeth. I'm gonna stop holding my breath at what MIGHT happen or not and just be thankful for each moment.

The Curse of the Meatloaf

I'm surprised I'm married, no really. They say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that were the case, I would be single at this very moment.

I am a pretty bad cook, if not for Pinterest, my family would probably starve or be eating PB sandwiches and chips every meal.

When Jay and I were dating, I wanted to cook for him like a good girlfriend. I couldn't make that much so I opted for my mom's meatloaf recipe. It was the one thing I could make. I carefully put all the ingredients together and popped it in the oven. At dinner time, we sat down over candlelight and full adult conversation (doesn't happen at this stage of life!) ready to eat.

I spit out the first bite I took.

Apparently if you accidentally substitute 2T of garlic powder for 2T of onion powder (Jay and I both hate onions), your meatloaf will taste appalling.

Jay still married me! Ha ha, joke's on him. Since then, every time I have made meatloaf I have messed it up, too much ketchup, too little ketchup, wrong parts oatmeal, too dry or wet, etc. You get the point. Bless his heart, he eats it every time (although this has more to do with the fact that he is super cheap and can't bear to waste anything), including the leftovers.

I think it is time to retire the recipe and let the curse die out. Maybe I'll try again in about 20 years.

Lucky for me I have a hubs who loves me anyway and puts up with my experimenting with new Pinterest recipes. Someday maybe I'll be a 'good' cook, until then we get to live in fear of what may come out of my oven or crockpot.