Ugly Beautiful

Have you ever been in a season of life that just makes you tired; physically, emotionally, even spiritually? Okay, let's be real, this is life and we all have!

Our family is in a spot like this now. It's all 'high class problems' but draining just the same. I have always wanted to be a SAHM and when God put us in a position for us to be able to realize this dream last year, I was overjoyed. So overjoyed that we had another kid! :)

With all the quality time with your children, playdates, ability to have undivided (not split with work like I was before) attention for my kids and countless other blessings, there are other sacrifices. Because Jay's job is our only source of income, he has the added pressure of working really hard for our family. And I love him for it.

What it also means, with his job in particular, he often has to work really long hours. And when his staff changes as it has in the past few weeks, it means he is away from us working 60+ hours a week. Sometimes he can barely get in an hour with the boys before they are down to bed at nighttime. Or he has to work on our scheduled vacation or on weekends when we hadn't planned it.

I used to get mad. Even yelled and argued over work schedules (oh, juicy gossip, Leta yells at her hubs. As Pastor Daniel says, don't be so spiritual, you know you've done it too.)

Please hear me, I know we are super blessed to be in a position where I can be at home! I am so thankful! What I was unprepared for were the feelings I was having when faced with having 12 hr+ days sometimes 6 days a week with 2 kids under 2. I found myself having a hard time.

So when Jay finally had a Saturday off after a long time, I was grateful for the time. Until he stopped by his office and saw that people had not showed up to work. Rather than put the strain on his staff, he decided to go in for the rest of the hours to help them.

I ain't gonna lie, my immediate internal response was anger. Anger that his job responsibilities were calling him away from our family time again. Anger that it FEELS like his job is more important to him than us (which is exactly the opposite, I know he does it all for us).

But you know what? I am tired of being angry. With two small children, I just don't have the energy for it. So that day, I chose thankfulness. I chose the 'ugly beautiful'. Earlier this year, I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and she poetically talks about living in a state of gratitude. A state so specific that she was thanking God for things like soap bubbles and clean floors. She started by trying to list 1000 things she was thankful for, EVERYTHING. Any small (or big) thing she could be thankful for, she wrote it down. Then she began to see how God was in everything around her, even the chaos and the things that seemed horrible. And she was able to be thankful for them. Hence their name, 'ugly beautiful', because sometimes being thankful is hard. It requires being thankful for something that is ugly because it is in God's plan for your life. And since we know that He only has good plans for us (Jer. 29:11) and He works everything for our good (Rom. 8:28), we should live in a constant state of thankfulness regardless of our circumstances.

Whew, talk about easier said than done! I was skeptical.

But I started a list. I am currently on #143. And once I reach 1000, I hope to keep going because as she wrote in her book, it changed her state of mind and state of being. She was happier, even in the difficult times. And who doesn't want that?

Mine own first 'ugly beautiful' moment happened when Jay had to go to work that Saturday. I wanted to cry, I wanted to be angry.

Instead, I took a big breath and started making a tally:

"I am thankful Jay has a job that supplies for our family "

"I am thankful that because of that, we are able to be generous to others in need"

"I am thankful for the chance to be at home with my boys"

"I am thankful for our home"

And the list went on. It was slow because my ugly was strong and the ugly situation was hard for me. But I slowly started to feel better. Because something about gratitude draws God closer to you. And it makes sense. When my children thank me, it fills my heart and overflows. Could it be the same with God? And as God draws closer to you, the enemy and all his tricks flee.

And you are left with a thankful heart.

I'm not saying it is easy, because it isn't. And I have a feeling that because of this 'ugly beautiful' moment and it's positive results, I will graduate to the next level and my next 'ugly beautiful' will be harder. Because that is how God works, he never leaves us in our state of disarray. He will keep chipping away at my character until He makes it what He wants it to be.

If this is true, then I want to live in this state of gratitude. It is a superior companion than the alternative. I'll probably fail a bunch but that is okay too. My circumstances haven't changed, Jay has still been working really long hours and life is crazy but there are just too many things for me to be thankful for to dwell in the self-pity. Choosing joy instead.

Frankly My Dear, I DO Give A Darn.

Too bad I'm not more like Rhett Butler (and yes, I know that is not the phrase he said completely but this is a kid friendly zone!). That guy didn't really care what anyone thought of him. Oh the freedom of that frame of mind!

I'm not sure where we pick it up. How the change starts or the first decision that leads us down this path. But it happens.

I care what people think about me.

Why? Why does it matter what so and so thinks about my clean (or lack thereof) house, my wardrobe (yes, most of which is yoga pants and vintage t-shirts at this stage in my life) or my child raising abilities. And those categories just hit the tip of the iceburg.

I am often jealous of my hubs, he really doesn't give much of a darn of what anyone thinks of him. When I've expressed words of frustration to him about my mommy-guilt, he never ceases to look at me incredulously and exclaim, "you think about stuff like that?"

In a word, yes.

When did the overpowering voice of the world (even other Christians, most of which are well-meaning) start shouting louder than the voice of God in my life? I have an overwhelming need to explain my short-comings (and perceived short-comings) to anyone who will listen (hence this blog!).

This all being true, one of the lessons I am learning is to say NO. This people pleaser hates this word and has a hard time saying it. I hate disappointing anyone.

However, I have learned in the best interest of my family, that saying no, even to things that are 'good' is okay. This is the phase in my life where I spend most of my time at home as a SAHM and that is ok. It doesn't make me a bad mom, wife, etc. So I am working on doing a few things well and one of them is raising my children (and keeping my sanity). In order to accomplish these few things, some things may have to fall by the wayside. This is just a season of life after all, it doesn't mean I can't do other things in the future.

I may not be Rhett but I can do a better job of showing myself grace when I sacrifice some good things in order to make better decisions for my family, all the while, learning to not give a darn about what people might think of that.