Last week I went grocery shopping for the first time with 2 kids and Rhee is notoriously bad in a grocery cart. I gave him M&Ms (or as he calls it, 'chi-cha' for chocolate). It explains why this girl who doesn't like chocolate craved chocolate every day I was pregnant with him.
Today I bribed Rhee into good behavior at his haircut with a lollypop. Most successful bribe ever!
I feel mommy guilt when:
1. My 2 year old (almost) won't go to bed without a bottle and apparently I'm ruining the shape of his mouth....
2. That I don't use cloth diapers on my kids
3. That I let them eat sugar, my kid likes coffee and soda
4. Not having a bigger, better house for them
5. Letting them stay up too late, etc.
And countless other things that pass through my head on a daily basis. All things I tell myself I don't measure up to other moms or even to what my kids need. I have never felt more guilty than the day I dropped my newborn. It happened Tuesday at a playdate.
I was in a rush and careless and I accidentally dropped him. I felt the crushing guilt immediately. Of course I called myself all kinds of names and my mind accused me of many things, including thoughts of CPS whisking my children away from me.
The good news is, after a trip to the ER, he checked out 100% ok! The bad news, severe mommy guilt as I replayed watching him fall at my hand over and over again in my head. My hubs and my friends were wonderful and offered lots of perspectives on why I can't feel guilty over an accident.
But it wasn't until I read the following that I began to feel better:
Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matt.5:8).
This word "pure" is from the Greek word katharos. It is used 22 times in the New Testament. It carries three separate but cohesive meanings, all under the definition of "clean". I can hear Jesus urging, begging us to be free.
Katharos: clean ethically; free from corrupt desire, from sin, from guilt.
Did you catch that last part? "Clean from guilt." Is it possible to be cleansed from sin but still carry its guilt? Does a baby immediately poop in a clean diaper? Of course it's possible, and it happens all the time. Have you ever asked God to forgive something that He has already forgiven? You know you have. That's guilt talking, girls. Since the enemy can't deny us forgiveness from a holy God, he'll try to deny us its freedom. Through guilt, he presses us down with his lies.
Taken from Jen Hatmaker's Out of the Spin Cycle
(Excellent mommy devotional, buy it!)
So I choose to believe that even after something as bad as dropping my child, I had to let go of the guilt. That night after all the drama subsided, I looked at Nick and asked him if he would forgive me for dropping him. Since he is 2 months old, my hubs responded with, "Leta, the only person in this house who hasn't forgiven you, is yourself".
Boom.
Mind blown.
Yes. Forgiving myself for this and every other mommy neglect, real and imagined is the most difficult thing but so necessary to be a good mommy.
I will never be perfect but I am a good, loving mommy, lollypop haircuts and all!
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