I really hate these words.
Okay, I love the word organize and all its derivatives, but chaos? Not so much. It goes against everything I am trying to accomplish.
I remember when I had just had Rhee and thought, hey this is not so bad! I can do this mom thing. Then he started to grow up and make all kinds of messes. Then we added Nick to the mess. Words cannot express what the simultaneous crying of two little sons will do to this mama who loves order. Sometimes it is so overwhelming I have a hard time trying to decide how to solve the equation.
I do things now that I never thought I would do. For instance, Rhee is getting his 2 year molars so things are kinda out of sequence in our home. He is not sleeping and is really cranky. My to do list gets put to the wayside. I am still in my pjs this afternoon and they have spaghetti sauce on them (from lunch that we did not eat at the table or in a highchair), my shirt has some milk on it (from the bottle he is no longer supposed to have but I can't stand the crying fits to take it away) and I really want to shower and brush my teeth.
I can see the path to ultimate organization but getting there is a different story. Good thing is, everything still gets done, it's just definitely not in my time frame. I sense a lesson I am here to learn from my kiddos, to sit back and enjoy them!
Chaos grinds against every fiber of who I am. However, I realize as a mom, if I try to control everything all the time, not only am I going to be fiercely unhappy but my kids will grow up in an environment where they are not free to make mistakes.
Relaxing in the organized chaos is one of the toughest things for me to do as a mama but it will be well worth it in the future when my kids look back at our memories instead of me always cleaning and organizing. Hopefully some of my organizational skills will rub off on them too! Everything in moderation!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
If Lollypop Haircuts Are Bad, I Don't Want To Be Good!
I am not above bribing my kids into good behavior.
Last week I went grocery shopping for the first time with 2 kids and Rhee is notoriously bad in a grocery cart. I gave him M&Ms (or as he calls it, 'chi-cha' for chocolate). It explains why this girl who doesn't like chocolate craved chocolate every day I was pregnant with him.
Today I bribed Rhee into good behavior at his haircut with a lollypop. Most successful bribe ever!
Truth is, as a mom, I feel guilty more often than not.
I feel mommy guilt when:
1. My 2 year old (almost) won't go to bed without a bottle and apparently I'm ruining the shape of his mouth....
2. That I don't use cloth diapers on my kids
3. That I let them eat sugar, my kid likes coffee and soda
4. Not having a bigger, better house for them
5. Letting them stay up too late, etc.
And countless other things that pass through my head on a daily basis. All things I tell myself I don't measure up to other moms or even to what my kids need. I have never felt more guilty than the day I dropped my newborn. It happened Tuesday at a playdate.
I was in a rush and careless and I accidentally dropped him. I felt the crushing guilt immediately. Of course I called myself all kinds of names and my mind accused me of many things, including thoughts of CPS whisking my children away from me.
The good news is, after a trip to the ER, he checked out 100% ok! The bad news, severe mommy guilt as I replayed watching him fall at my hand over and over again in my head. My hubs and my friends were wonderful and offered lots of perspectives on why I can't feel guilty over an accident.
But it wasn't until I read the following that I began to feel better:
Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matt.5:8).
This word "pure" is from the Greek word katharos. It is used 22 times in the New Testament. It carries three separate but cohesive meanings, all under the definition of "clean". I can hear Jesus urging, begging us to be free.
Katharos: clean ethically; free from corrupt desire, from sin, from guilt.
Did you catch that last part? "Clean from guilt." Is it possible to be cleansed from sin but still carry its guilt? Does a baby immediately poop in a clean diaper? Of course it's possible, and it happens all the time. Have you ever asked God to forgive something that He has already forgiven? You know you have. That's guilt talking, girls. Since the enemy can't deny us forgiveness from a holy God, he'll try to deny us its freedom. Through guilt, he presses us down with his lies.
Taken from Jen Hatmaker's Out of the Spin Cycle
(Excellent mommy devotional, buy it!)
So I choose to believe that even after something as bad as dropping my child, I had to let go of the guilt. That night after all the drama subsided, I looked at Nick and asked him if he would forgive me for dropping him. Since he is 2 months old, my hubs responded with, "Leta, the only person in this house who hasn't forgiven you, is yourself".
Boom.
Mind blown.
Yes. Forgiving myself for this and every other mommy neglect, real and imagined is the most difficult thing but so necessary to be a good mommy.
I will never be perfect but I am a good, loving mommy, lollypop haircuts and all!
Last week I went grocery shopping for the first time with 2 kids and Rhee is notoriously bad in a grocery cart. I gave him M&Ms (or as he calls it, 'chi-cha' for chocolate). It explains why this girl who doesn't like chocolate craved chocolate every day I was pregnant with him.
Today I bribed Rhee into good behavior at his haircut with a lollypop. Most successful bribe ever!
I feel mommy guilt when:
1. My 2 year old (almost) won't go to bed without a bottle and apparently I'm ruining the shape of his mouth....
2. That I don't use cloth diapers on my kids
3. That I let them eat sugar, my kid likes coffee and soda
4. Not having a bigger, better house for them
5. Letting them stay up too late, etc.
And countless other things that pass through my head on a daily basis. All things I tell myself I don't measure up to other moms or even to what my kids need. I have never felt more guilty than the day I dropped my newborn. It happened Tuesday at a playdate.
I was in a rush and careless and I accidentally dropped him. I felt the crushing guilt immediately. Of course I called myself all kinds of names and my mind accused me of many things, including thoughts of CPS whisking my children away from me.
The good news is, after a trip to the ER, he checked out 100% ok! The bad news, severe mommy guilt as I replayed watching him fall at my hand over and over again in my head. My hubs and my friends were wonderful and offered lots of perspectives on why I can't feel guilty over an accident.
But it wasn't until I read the following that I began to feel better:
Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Matt.5:8).
This word "pure" is from the Greek word katharos. It is used 22 times in the New Testament. It carries three separate but cohesive meanings, all under the definition of "clean". I can hear Jesus urging, begging us to be free.
Katharos: clean ethically; free from corrupt desire, from sin, from guilt.
Did you catch that last part? "Clean from guilt." Is it possible to be cleansed from sin but still carry its guilt? Does a baby immediately poop in a clean diaper? Of course it's possible, and it happens all the time. Have you ever asked God to forgive something that He has already forgiven? You know you have. That's guilt talking, girls. Since the enemy can't deny us forgiveness from a holy God, he'll try to deny us its freedom. Through guilt, he presses us down with his lies.
Taken from Jen Hatmaker's Out of the Spin Cycle
(Excellent mommy devotional, buy it!)
So I choose to believe that even after something as bad as dropping my child, I had to let go of the guilt. That night after all the drama subsided, I looked at Nick and asked him if he would forgive me for dropping him. Since he is 2 months old, my hubs responded with, "Leta, the only person in this house who hasn't forgiven you, is yourself".
Boom.
Mind blown.
Yes. Forgiving myself for this and every other mommy neglect, real and imagined is the most difficult thing but so necessary to be a good mommy.
I will never be perfect but I am a good, loving mommy, lollypop haircuts and all!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Good Moms Don't Pass Out
I hold my breath so many times as a mom, it's a wonder I don't pass out.
I hold my breath
*to see if my oldest will eat the food I make him for lunch or throw it all over my floor
*to see if my newborn will stay asleep when I lay him down for a nap or bedtime
*when I change my oldest's diaper (mostly because I don't want to vomit, anyone else want to potty train him?), waiting for him to kick me in a fit of rage (why would he want to stay in that nasty thing!!??)
* when I hear Rhee stirring at nap time and selfishly hope that he goes back to sleep
*when I go to the store and hope neither of my kids have a nuclear meltdown with a half full shopping cart
*at a playdate, hoping my kid doesn't smack the other kid over a toy possession dispute
*when all is silent and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing
Truth is, many days I hold my breath trying to survive. Trying to live up to a set of unrealistic expectations I have set for myself. I often feel like a failure when I don't live up to these random set of rules I have made for myself. At the root of this is fear (and pride).
The past month I have really been reevaluating my daily priorities. I recently read that we should not be raising good kids but rather, functional godly adults. Will my kids and I fail each day? Yes, that's human nature. Are we defined by the road we travel? I believe not but by the grace God bestows on us in our failures.
So it's time breathe and be thankful for each day. We are not promised more than that so don't waste it.
In the big picture it's ok that I had to turn down a lunch date with my hubs because it has been a rough morning and I haven't yet brushed my teeth. I'm gonna stop holding my breath at what MIGHT happen or not and just be thankful for each moment.
I hold my breath
*to see if my oldest will eat the food I make him for lunch or throw it all over my floor
*to see if my newborn will stay asleep when I lay him down for a nap or bedtime
*when I change my oldest's diaper (mostly because I don't want to vomit, anyone else want to potty train him?), waiting for him to kick me in a fit of rage (why would he want to stay in that nasty thing!!??)
* when I hear Rhee stirring at nap time and selfishly hope that he goes back to sleep
*when I go to the store and hope neither of my kids have a nuclear meltdown with a half full shopping cart
*at a playdate, hoping my kid doesn't smack the other kid over a toy possession dispute
*when all is silent and I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing
Truth is, many days I hold my breath trying to survive. Trying to live up to a set of unrealistic expectations I have set for myself. I often feel like a failure when I don't live up to these random set of rules I have made for myself. At the root of this is fear (and pride).
The past month I have really been reevaluating my daily priorities. I recently read that we should not be raising good kids but rather, functional godly adults. Will my kids and I fail each day? Yes, that's human nature. Are we defined by the road we travel? I believe not but by the grace God bestows on us in our failures.
So it's time breathe and be thankful for each day. We are not promised more than that so don't waste it.
In the big picture it's ok that I had to turn down a lunch date with my hubs because it has been a rough morning and I haven't yet brushed my teeth. I'm gonna stop holding my breath at what MIGHT happen or not and just be thankful for each moment.
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Curse of the Meatloaf
I'm surprised I'm married, no really. They say that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that were the case, I would be single at this very moment.
I am a pretty bad cook, if not for Pinterest, my family would probably starve or be eating PB sandwiches and chips every meal.
When Jay and I were dating, I wanted to cook for him like a good girlfriend. I couldn't make that much so I opted for my mom's meatloaf recipe. It was the one thing I could make. I carefully put all the ingredients together and popped it in the oven. At dinner time, we sat down over candlelight and full adult conversation (doesn't happen at this stage of life!) ready to eat.
I spit out the first bite I took.
Apparently if you accidentally substitute 2T of garlic powder for 2T of onion powder (Jay and I both hate onions), your meatloaf will taste appalling.
Jay still married me! Ha ha, joke's on him. Since then, every time I have made meatloaf I have messed it up, too much ketchup, too little ketchup, wrong parts oatmeal, too dry or wet, etc. You get the point. Bless his heart, he eats it every time (although this has more to do with the fact that he is super cheap and can't bear to waste anything), including the leftovers.
I think it is time to retire the recipe and let the curse die out. Maybe I'll try again in about 20 years.
Lucky for me I have a hubs who loves me anyway and puts up with my experimenting with new Pinterest recipes. Someday maybe I'll be a 'good' cook, until then we get to live in fear of what may come out of my oven or crockpot.
I am a pretty bad cook, if not for Pinterest, my family would probably starve or be eating PB sandwiches and chips every meal.
When Jay and I were dating, I wanted to cook for him like a good girlfriend. I couldn't make that much so I opted for my mom's meatloaf recipe. It was the one thing I could make. I carefully put all the ingredients together and popped it in the oven. At dinner time, we sat down over candlelight and full adult conversation (doesn't happen at this stage of life!) ready to eat.
I spit out the first bite I took.
Apparently if you accidentally substitute 2T of garlic powder for 2T of onion powder (Jay and I both hate onions), your meatloaf will taste appalling.
Jay still married me! Ha ha, joke's on him. Since then, every time I have made meatloaf I have messed it up, too much ketchup, too little ketchup, wrong parts oatmeal, too dry or wet, etc. You get the point. Bless his heart, he eats it every time (although this has more to do with the fact that he is super cheap and can't bear to waste anything), including the leftovers.
I think it is time to retire the recipe and let the curse die out. Maybe I'll try again in about 20 years.
Lucky for me I have a hubs who loves me anyway and puts up with my experimenting with new Pinterest recipes. Someday maybe I'll be a 'good' cook, until then we get to live in fear of what may come out of my oven or crockpot.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Nose Carrots, Dirty Diapers and Other Last Laughs
Your kids will always win.
Okay, mine will. I'm conceding defeat. Even if I raise them to be the boys I want them to be, they will still win.
Case in point. I foolishly made fun of Rhee for being able to trick him into eating healthy food today. Usually I can get him to eat whatever we are eating because he has a paranoia of being left out. Because I value some sane time in my day, usually let him watch Disney Junior while eating breakfast and lunch (we do eat dinner as a family at the dining room table so hopefully I haven't ruined him completely). This can either add to my sanity or completely wipe it out, it's a gamble I'm willing to take. So back to the taunting of my son.
Today was a robust lunch of frozen pizza and sugar snap peas & carrots. I think a nearly two year old could completely subsist on pizza but am not willing to put in the research to support it. Because of this, the peas & carrots. I'm hoping it balances it out somehow. Directly after publicly laughing at him on Facebook for my trickery, I hear a maniacal laugh come from his highchair (which is facing away from me).
As I turn to look, he is stretching his neck to peer around the back of the chair to find me. I immediately notice there is something amiss with his face. One nostril is abnormally large. As I run in for a closer inspection, I realized he has stuffed a carrot up his nose. I am also assaulted by a horrible stench, he has pooped his pants while eating (read: mama is also trying to eat). Guess I'll be losing that baby weight faster than I anticipated.
Well played sir.
You win. You always do.
Okay, mine will. I'm conceding defeat. Even if I raise them to be the boys I want them to be, they will still win.
Case in point. I foolishly made fun of Rhee for being able to trick him into eating healthy food today. Usually I can get him to eat whatever we are eating because he has a paranoia of being left out. Because I value some sane time in my day, usually let him watch Disney Junior while eating breakfast and lunch (we do eat dinner as a family at the dining room table so hopefully I haven't ruined him completely). This can either add to my sanity or completely wipe it out, it's a gamble I'm willing to take. So back to the taunting of my son.
Today was a robust lunch of frozen pizza and sugar snap peas & carrots. I think a nearly two year old could completely subsist on pizza but am not willing to put in the research to support it. Because of this, the peas & carrots. I'm hoping it balances it out somehow. Directly after publicly laughing at him on Facebook for my trickery, I hear a maniacal laugh come from his highchair (which is facing away from me).
As I turn to look, he is stretching his neck to peer around the back of the chair to find me. I immediately notice there is something amiss with his face. One nostril is abnormally large. As I run in for a closer inspection, I realized he has stuffed a carrot up his nose. I am also assaulted by a horrible stench, he has pooped his pants while eating (read: mama is also trying to eat). Guess I'll be losing that baby weight faster than I anticipated.
Well played sir.
You win. You always do.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Zombie Showers
No, I'm not talking about flesh eating walking dead. I'm talking about mommies who just want some sleep and a shower that isn't interrupted by screaming or in my case, my oldest throwing books or picture frames in the shower with me. True story.
I can't be the only mom who gets up early (I hate mornings) so I can get a shower in before Rhee's 2pm nap every day. Some days it works and some days it doesn't. Sitting around dirty in my pjs until the afternoon is not how I pictured domestic life (let's not get into the fairy tale I thought it would be!) but it is my reality.
This is after being up multiple times in a night with a newborn who I think takes secret delight in waking me just to put his paci back in his mouth. I have often thought I heard gleeful laughing after he purposely spits it out for the 256th time in one night.
I digress.
All of this leads to the shower where I am frantically trying to shave my legs (yes, I shave my legs every day, I can't stand it otherwise. I may not do my hair or make up but darn it, my legs will be smooth!) with my eyes half shut from lack of sleep. There is no coherent thought going on at this point, it's just a sleepy race against the clock of two little boys waking up.
Sigh.
But then, God has been good to me this morning. I have showered and have a coffee in hand while blogging without being interrupted.
It's going to be a good day in mommyland.
I can't be the only mom who gets up early (I hate mornings) so I can get a shower in before Rhee's 2pm nap every day. Some days it works and some days it doesn't. Sitting around dirty in my pjs until the afternoon is not how I pictured domestic life (let's not get into the fairy tale I thought it would be!) but it is my reality.
This is after being up multiple times in a night with a newborn who I think takes secret delight in waking me just to put his paci back in his mouth. I have often thought I heard gleeful laughing after he purposely spits it out for the 256th time in one night.
I digress.
All of this leads to the shower where I am frantically trying to shave my legs (yes, I shave my legs every day, I can't stand it otherwise. I may not do my hair or make up but darn it, my legs will be smooth!) with my eyes half shut from lack of sleep. There is no coherent thought going on at this point, it's just a sleepy race against the clock of two little boys waking up.
Sigh.
But then, God has been good to me this morning. I have showered and have a coffee in hand while blogging without being interrupted.
It's going to be a good day in mommyland.
Monday, January 28, 2013
I Suck at Blogging and Being a Perfect Mother
Not necessarily in that order.
Question is: what do I write about in this over-blogged (yes, I like to make up words) world?
Yes, I'm a perfectionist but this is not the only thing that defines me, it affects my life but it is not who I am. I am things like a daughter, a wife, a mother, a Christian. These things define me more than anything else. Does perfectionism play into any of these? You betcha.
I had my second son, Nicholas on 12/12/12 (best birth date ever!) and Henry (Rhee) is now 22 months. This by far has been the most challenging to me and wanting things just so. My two little boys who don't give a rip about order or how I would like things done.
Schedules out the window, floors always dirty, poop and spit up a regular part of my day, toys everywhere, sleep: not present.
I have talked to a lot of mommies lately to find out what is normal, to gain some kind of perspective. And you know what I've found? We only post the good milestones on Facebook. The wonderful nights of sleep (p.s. I don't believe these really exist, hey, I'm not calling anyone liar here, maybe just some wishful thinking going on), the poops on the potty, my child is reading at 2, etc. Does anyone else feel like they are failing at motherhood when they look at these in jealousy? Most days I'm just trying to survive by giving my boys anything that will keep them from crying at the same time.
I'm not saying you have to be all negative Nancy from now on, I love hearing about all the good things that go on in my friend's lives, especially with their kids. And I love counting both of our blessings. I just want to take some time to blog occasionally to expose my real day to day life with my boys as a SAHM in a positive and hopefully humorous way.
Like during the time it has taken me to write this, I have had to walk away from it approximately 234 times to get something for the boys and Rhee has thrown pizza sauce from the calzones I made for lunch into every possible crevice of his highchair.
Hopefully you can find some encouragement (me too) in knowing that you are not the only one going through the daily struggles (and joys!) of being a SAHM or a working mom juggling professional and home life. I do not claim to be a writer or always grammatically correct and I overuse parenthesis and exclamation points (deal with it!), just a mom trying to survive and even thrive in this environment.
More to come later when I am not trying to type with one hand while also nursing my infant. What are your biggest challenges as a mama?
Question is: what do I write about in this over-blogged (yes, I like to make up words) world?
Yes, I'm a perfectionist but this is not the only thing that defines me, it affects my life but it is not who I am. I am things like a daughter, a wife, a mother, a Christian. These things define me more than anything else. Does perfectionism play into any of these? You betcha.
I had my second son, Nicholas on 12/12/12 (best birth date ever!) and Henry (Rhee) is now 22 months. This by far has been the most challenging to me and wanting things just so. My two little boys who don't give a rip about order or how I would like things done.
Schedules out the window, floors always dirty, poop and spit up a regular part of my day, toys everywhere, sleep: not present.
I have talked to a lot of mommies lately to find out what is normal, to gain some kind of perspective. And you know what I've found? We only post the good milestones on Facebook. The wonderful nights of sleep (p.s. I don't believe these really exist, hey, I'm not calling anyone liar here, maybe just some wishful thinking going on), the poops on the potty, my child is reading at 2, etc. Does anyone else feel like they are failing at motherhood when they look at these in jealousy? Most days I'm just trying to survive by giving my boys anything that will keep them from crying at the same time.
I'm not saying you have to be all negative Nancy from now on, I love hearing about all the good things that go on in my friend's lives, especially with their kids. And I love counting both of our blessings. I just want to take some time to blog occasionally to expose my real day to day life with my boys as a SAHM in a positive and hopefully humorous way.
Like during the time it has taken me to write this, I have had to walk away from it approximately 234 times to get something for the boys and Rhee has thrown pizza sauce from the calzones I made for lunch into every possible crevice of his highchair.
Hopefully you can find some encouragement (me too) in knowing that you are not the only one going through the daily struggles (and joys!) of being a SAHM or a working mom juggling professional and home life. I do not claim to be a writer or always grammatically correct and I overuse parenthesis and exclamation points (deal with it!), just a mom trying to survive and even thrive in this environment.
More to come later when I am not trying to type with one hand while also nursing my infant. What are your biggest challenges as a mama?
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