Overwhelmed

***Writer's note: This blog post was originally written in 6/12 and around that time I abandoned blogging because something about summer and warm weather keeps me away from my computer. I feel so much better about these things than I did then but thought perhaps there are other moms out there struggling with comparison and striving to strive. Enjoy!

I blame my competitive spirit. I blame it on wanting what's best for my kids.

I recently started realizing that I am sorely lacking as a mother. Okay, let's be real, I always felt it, but it has definitely come to a head.

How I am failing my kids: They eat preservatives and processed foods and are washed with a brand recently discovered to have formaldehyde in it. They also have their bottoms in diapers filled with chemicals and they eat candy more than I care to admit. I don't currently have them on a vitamin regimen and have not trained them to be bilingual. As a family we produce more garbage than is ecologically friendly, like, a lot more. My kids do not spout off Bible verses instead of misbehaving and acting out. I currently have a 2 year old who is terrified of the toilet and my worst fears are confirmed, he will be in diapers in Kindergarten. I am not sleep training my 6 month old with the latest greatest training guides. I did not get my body back to pre-pregnancy-ness within a month of Nick being born (not there at 6 months either). I don't make my own baby food.

Hello guilt!

I am utterly imperfect and in my eyes, a failure as a mom and probably a person.

They say that Facebook is actually really unhealthy for you mentally. It can cause a longing for a life that doesn't really exist.

Comparison is the thief of joy. ~Theodore Roosevelt



As a perfectionist, I am constantly reevaluating how I do things. As a wife, a mom, a friend, etc. I started to look at what others were doing to find my source of perfection. I started to feel guilty that I wasn't leading my family in eating clean, recycling and using products that have no chemicals.

And I became desperately overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by all my imperfections.

Truth is, none of those things I was wishing I was are bad. And some of those things I will still aspire to do in our home. The problem was coming from finding my security and happiness in becoming those things.

I will be a good mom if.......

I will be a good wife if......

ETC.!!!!

Again with the striving Leta? Really? Pretty soon God will be beating me with a 2x4 if I don't get off of this striving for perfectionism bent. (That isn't how he works, by the way.)

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. (New American Standard)

I find it ironic that here we are talking about perfection being found in weakness. It's almost laughable. It's like God knew this would be my issue and he put that in there just for me.

Truth is, there will always be MORE I can do for my family. My goal is to just not get caught up in that defining my worth. My new goal will be defining myself how God sees me through the sacrifice of Christ.

To tune my ear to hear what God has for my kids and family and not what all 700+ friends on Facebook (that is ridiculous, who has that many friends?), mommy blogs, news articles and every other station I can possibly tune my antennae to, to see what I *should* be doing. All of that will continue to leave me overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

And please don't send me hate messages if you do any of those above things (or don't for that matter), because that is not the point. The point is to listen to what God is telling you to do and obey. Don't add or subtract from that.

I am going to ease up on myself (and my kids!). Grace needs to be the number one thing you give yourself and your kids as you learn to parent. There is no manual so you will mess up. That's okay. Grace. Every day, sometimes every hour and minute. I encourage you to do the same with whatever you struggle with too.

There is freedom in grace.

Defeated

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a perfectionist. It's a plague on my house. 

Perfectionism is, at its root, a pride issue.

To look at myself and pridefully declare that I am not good enough. This is after God has told me that I am redeemed through Christ and He sees me as covered by Christ's sacrifice on the cross. No amount of striving for perfectionism is going to make me any better than He already sees me.

Mother's Day Sunday at church was quite a revelation to me. Pastor Daniel was talking about striving. One Scripture stood out to me:

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. (emphasis mine)

I don't have to rely on myself. I don't have to be perfect to be worthy in His eyes. So who exactly am I living for then? Others?

Just read a bit by Sarah Young in Jesus Calling stating that when we live for the approval of others, we place ourselves in bondage to them.

When I live in a place of striving for perfection and approval of others in my daily life, I set myself up for defeat. And to be truthful, I let defeat be more a part of my daily life than abundance than I would care to admit.

I want to live beyond the defeat perfectionism (striving) places in my life. What a trick the enemy plays on me. To whisper lies in my ear that I have to earn what is already mine.

So today I refuse to listen. I will instead listen to the One who loves me enough to give everything for me. A sinful and imperfect me. So that I don't have to strive, I have only to listen to His voice and hear what He has for my day and for my life.

To be free indeed. To live beyond the defeat of perfectionism.

I Suck at Blogging and Being a Perfect Mother

Not necessarily in that order.

Question is: what do I write about in this over-blogged (yes, I like to make up words) world?

Yes, I'm a perfectionist but this is not the only thing that defines me, it affects my life but it is not who I am. I am things like a daughter, a wife, a mother, a Christian. These things define me more than anything else. Does perfectionism play into any of these? You betcha.

I had my second son, Nicholas on 12/12/12 (best birth date ever!) and Henry (Rhee) is now 22 months. This by far has been the most challenging to me and wanting things just so. My two little boys who don't give a rip about order or how I would like things done.

Schedules out the window, floors always dirty, poop and spit up a regular part of my day, toys everywhere, sleep: not present.

I have talked to a lot of mommies lately to find out what is normal, to gain some kind of perspective. And you know what I've found? We only post the good milestones on Facebook. The wonderful nights of sleep (p.s. I don't believe these really exist, hey, I'm not calling anyone liar here, maybe just some wishful thinking going on), the poops on the potty, my child is reading at 2, etc. Does anyone else feel like they are failing at motherhood when they look at these in jealousy? Most days I'm just trying to survive by giving my boys anything that will keep them from crying at the same time.

I'm not saying you have to be all negative Nancy from now on, I love hearing about all the good things that go on in my friend's lives, especially with their kids. And I love counting both of our blessings. I just want to take some time to blog occasionally to expose my real day to day life with my boys as a SAHM in a positive and hopefully humorous way.

Like during the time it has taken me to write this, I have had to walk away from it approximately 234 times to get something for the boys and Rhee has thrown pizza sauce from the calzones I made for lunch into every possible crevice of his highchair.

Hopefully you can find some encouragement (me too) in knowing that you are not the only one going through the daily struggles (and joys!) of being a SAHM or a working mom juggling professional and home life. I do not claim to be a writer or always grammatically correct and I overuse parenthesis and exclamation points (deal with it!), just a mom trying to survive and even thrive in this environment.

More to come later when I am not trying to type with one hand while also nursing my infant. What are your biggest challenges as a mama?

Paralyzed

Have you ever had one of those days where you have so much to do that you don't know where to start? I guess this ties back to one of my previous posts about being a perfectionist.

I have all of these rules in my head about things. Take cleaning the house for example: I always dust before I vacuum so if I need to vacuum I feel like things are out of place if I don't also dust. Or something that hits more closely to 6FIT, if I have a goal in mind, such as working out in the morning and then I don't do it, my whole day becomes derailed. I cannot accomplish anything else on my list of tasks because I have not worked out yet.

Clearly this is a waste of time. I guess it goes without saying that I am a very task driven individual who likes lists. This is all well and good until it paralyzes me from moving forward.

Today I really needed to clean my house, it is a disaster! However because I felt I had not gotten up early enough to make it a 'productive day', I continued to procrastinate and paralyzed my to do list. I thought of many reasons to put it off until tomorrow because then I could accomplish the task 'correctly'. Sometimes I am able to just push through these feelings but today I really struggled.

And then something miraculous happened (okay, maybe not a miracle), the UPS man showed up at my door. A delivery! Has anyone ever watched Confessions of a Shopaholic? There is a point in the movie where her love interest asks her why shes shops to excess. She responds that she does it because when she shops, the world gets better. As a reformed shopaholic (thanks to the hubs), I totally get this so I'm not surprised that a delivery turned my day around.

I had ordered a Scentsy product and all at once I could imagine my house clean and smelling good! I didn't want to plug that yummy deliciousness in until my house was worthy of it!

So I guess I have two points here. First, find something that motivates you to work out or be more healthy! Secondly, don't let your idea of what has to be perfect or in order to accomplish your fit, healthy or any other goals! You have to start somewhere! Start moving, start buying more veggies and fruits, ask a friend to hold you accountable. Whatever it takes, but start nonetheless!

It should go without saying, this should be your take on anything you might not think you can do. Anything that paralyzes you to inaction. Start, ideas will come, actions will follow and before you know it, you will have hit a goal.

You won't be perfect but who cares! Perfectionism is predictable and boring. Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut because of what you think your life SHOULD be. So happy trails and I look forward to seeing some of you in virtual DanceFIT classes or maybe even the next 6FIT! Trust me, if this one can make this changes, anyone can! Have fun on your new unpredictable trail to new things!

Perfectionist

I think the real problem I have had (and have now) with being healthy and working out in the past is perfectionism. Unless I do it perfectly, I don't want to do it.

This is a gross neglect on my part and I miss out on things because of this. To expect that I will do everything perfectly all the time is unrealistic. I love that Gina and DanceFIT studio recognize this and give you two 'immunity' days during 6FIT. However, I need to stretch this into my day to day on 6FIT. Today I have had a slow start and have been beating myself up about it.

Just because I have had a slow start does not mean the whole day is blown, water intake is back on track as well as my veggie/fruit intake. I will salvage this day and not worry about the fact that I am not perfect! :)

It's going to be a great day! See you in virtual Arms & Abs tonight!